Jumbled Feelings on a Senseless Act

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July 22, 2012 by vlittle528

As the days are passing, the talk of the Aurora movie theater shootings is becoming less, though the news still has plenty of information to give. I was very happy to see today that there is a Facebook page for the victim’s families and survivors of those that were at the movie (for those that would like to join it, here is a link). Those that are grieving need time, as much time as it takes them. While I did not personally know any of the victims, I did know of one through blogging, and just today I learned that a child at my son’s school lost a parent. It is all too surreal.

I will admit that I did get angry when I heard there were such young children at the movie. Part of me understands that the parents of the 3 month old probably figured the baby would just sleep through the movie…but what about the other child they had with them (I want to say the child was 4 but I am not positive on the age). And my heart goes out to the dad that lost his 6 year old baby girl. My heart goes out to the mother as well, and I know she is in the hospital and probably feels a guilt I can never understand. But I just don’t understand why a six year old was in such a violent movie at such a late of an hour. But that is pointless. Because the mom had no idea a crazy gunman would come in the theater. And it happened. She can’t take it back. And I think that is what bothers me so much. It takes just one decision, one moment, one choice, and one incident out of our control and our lives are changed forever.

And then it hit me. There is going to be a little girl that just started kindergarten that won’t have her mommy. That won’t be able to show her all the cool things she made. It hit me that so many milestones will be missed. That there were probably so many things left unsaid, so many I love You’s that weren’t spoken. So many hero’s will never know about in the confusion. There are so many kids crying and trying to understand, so many parents that never should have outlived their children. The tragedy of it all, the pain and the heartbreak is simply overwhelming.

I can’t imagine how the survivors feel, because I was in bed asleep at the time of the shooting and I feel guilt. I will feel a random sense of guilt when I am having fun or doing something else, thinking that I should be focused on the victims and the families and what happened. I was doing some work for another article today and I felt guilty that I was focusing on writing about something other than the shootings. I know that we must carry on, but each time I try I wonder if the survivors and the families of the victims are hating that the rest of the world is carrying on while their life has simply stopped in a moment of gunfire. It seems so unfair. So wrong.

I am haunted by the last blog post the victim Jessica Redfield ever wrote. (If you haven’t read it, you can find it here. It is heartfelt, emotional, and as I said, a bit haunting after knowing what was to ultimately happen to her) She wrote this just a little over a month ago, not having any idea that what she was so grateful to survive would be what she would ultimately lose her life to.

This post is a bit rambled, a bit random. But, as a friend of mine said, “I find I can’t make sense out of something nonsensical”. It is all so horribly sad, so tragic, and so senseless. There are things we can do, like donate blood. There are vigils we can attend, there are words we can share, hugs we can cling to. But each of us needs to deal with our feelings in our own way (though there are plenty of resources for dealing with your own grief as well as talking to your children! Those resources can be found on the website). Nobody’s feelings are wrong or right. You are allowed to feel sad and upset even if you weren’t there and didn’t know anyone. I know that I am struggling to feel safe with my children in a world that is proving to be so scary. My anxiety has been running in overtime and I sometimes just look at my children and wonder what would happen to them if I wasn’t around. What would I do if something happened to one of them? I am trying to remember you can’t live a life of what-if’s, but that is seeming particularly difficult today.

So now that I let it out in whatever rambled sense that I have, I am going to focus on the good. I am going to focus on the girl that took off her belt to save the leg of someone she didn’t know. I am going to focus on those that helped one another, the cops that caught the shooter so quickly. And I am especially going to focus on the community that is banding together to prove that for each “bad guy” there are so many more good. And I will never forget. I just wish the list of days that I will never forget and the lives that are lost wasn’t getting progressively longer. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone in our community.


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