February 25, 2013 by vlittle528
When I stopped writing for my old blog and started writing this one, I didn’t have to think long on what I wanted to call it. I don’t hide that I have pretty severe anxiety, and while I am learning (slowly) to deal with it, the one thing that I haven’t even been able to touch yet without the fear of a panic attack is those “decision moments”. The decisions that you can’t take back. The actions that change your life forever. The things that I can control but made the wrong decision on.
I am learning to accept and deal with the things that are absolutely out of my control. I must have some level of trust when I drop my kids off at school and pray that this isn’t our last goodbye. I can put a cell phone in my son’s backpack, but once he is out of my sight, I have to accept that I don’t have control over whether he remembers to use it when or if he needs to. I have to kiss my husband goodbye and know that nothing I say or do will stop a car accident from happening or someone from walking into where he works and holding him hostage. Yes, these are things that go through my mind daily, and actually things even worse. But I am learning to live with the anxiety, live with the uncertainty. And most of all I am learning to live knowing that no matter how hard I try, I can’t control more things than I can.
The area that I am not willing to give in on yet, nor am I sure that I ever will be, is controlling the things that I can control. I am sure one day I will have to trust my children and send them off to a party where I know there will be alcohol or drugs. I will not be able to control that. I will just have to hope and pray that I did a good job raising them and trust them to make the right decision.
They are still young, though, and I have to recognize my limits. If the weather is like it was this weekend (and no I am not a wimp, I am a native. Now my husband….he is from Texas. A dusting is a blizzard to him) I am not going to take unnecessary risks. I am not going to drive unless it is to a hospital, and I am certainly not going to put my kids in harm’s way. I could have the best car in the world with the best snow tires and be the best driver. But still, the car with the bald tires with the exhausted single parent driving to work to make money is on that road as well. I can’t predict the slick spots. I can’t know when the storm is going to be at its worst. So I am going to take that small bit of control that I have in an irrational world and keep my family safe when I can.
Maybe this makes me irrational. A few think that. Maybe this makes me overprotective. But at this point I don’t care. And to me, that makes me a good mother and wife. I don’t care what other people think. In this one moment I am not making a crazy decision out of an irrational fear I can’t control. I am making an informed decision out of facts that I do have. So I am making progress. I am making progress in living for my family and I am making progress in realizing what I can and can’t prevent. Now I just have to learn to deal with the opinions of those that don’t realize what an accomplishment this is.