I wish I KNEW I was done.

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May 6, 2013 by vlittle528

Lately I have been spending a lot of time with a sweet little girl. I love this little girl and when she is with us she is just another one of our kids. Even my husband has a surprisingly large soft spot for this sweet and sassy little girl. The problem? She is stirring a desire in me that I think I may have been denying I had. I have never been sure that I wanted to stop having kids at two.

When my husband and I first met, he didn’t want any kids. As we do at that age, I kind of ignored it and kept dating him even though I knew we were kind of on different pages. I guess I was hoping I could “change” this aspect about him or that he would grow out of it. Luckily, this did happen. I was smart enough to have the talk of “hey if you don’t want to have kids you aren’t putting a ring on this” conversation before we got married. We even discussed that I was not going to work outside of the home until the kids were into at least middle-school but preferably headed off to college. Maybe a part-time job. But I digress.

After trying for almost a year with our first, our second surprised us by giving us two pink lines after the first try. So, our kids are only 22 months apart. Not as close as some, not as far as others. Actually, I think it is the perfect amount of time. They are the best of friends, even when they are the worst of enemies. They are far enough apart that I have some breathing time between the start of Kindergarten for each of them, but not so far that they don’t enjoy the same things.

I was kind of hoping that after my daughter was born, I would feel that finality that some moms seem to feel. They “just know” they don’t want any more. I don’t have that. But I also have a husband that tells me a firm no in that he doesn’t want to have any more kids. It is frustrating and seems unfair that the person who says no automatically wins. If you think about it, this happens a lot. The person who doesn’t want wins more than the person who wants. Maybe it is because the yes would mean a bigger change than the no. I don’t know. But being told I can’t have more kids is different than telling myself I don’t want them. It is possible I would have had that finality on my own if my husband didn’t take the chance away from me. I guess we kind of always want what we CAN’T have. At least if I am not being told no, I could have the possibility of “what-if”, of the surprise of what may come of a magical night.

Many times I think that I don’t want any more. I am just not sure I really want to do the sleepless nights, potty training, and everything baby all over again. And I really like the dynamic that we have in our family now. We have a certain balance among us, and when my daughter was born, I remember thinking clearly that she was the missing piece of the puzzle, she was filled the hole that I felt was in my heart. Many times I feel that I am done. However, feeling this way is different than being told the same.

And as I sit here…trying to find the perfect ending to this post, I realize that there isn’t one. Which I suppose is perfect in and of itself. Because this way, the post feels about as closed as the issue itself does.



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