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When the mind plays a guessing game with what the heart is feeling…

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June 15, 2013 by vlittle528

It has been over a month since I have posted anything. I knew it had been awhile as I was feeling that familiar tug in my heart that usually means I haven’t been “expressing” myself enough lately. Though if you ask my husband I am sure he would say that I express myself more than enough. I have learned a lot about myself recently, and so it was interesting for me to see that my last post was about KNOWING I am done having children. Turns out the problem wasn’t in not knowing, but more in not voicing what I knew in my heart.

I have mentioned before that my husband didn’t want ANY children when he met. That was a deal breaker for me. I would not say “I do” knowing that I would not have children. But it turns out we were meant to be, and so were our two beautiful children. When I was pregnant with my first, I remember thinking a lot that I didn’t have to feel so sentimental about the time passing so quickly because there would be another pregnancy (yes, I am one of those crazy people that LOVES being pregnant). And even after my son was born I felt a hole in my heart where something was missing. Our family wasn’t complete.

I was fairly content through my daughter’s pregnancy. Happy and busy and full of love. When I had her, I remember feeling, in no uncertain terms, that SHE was the hole in my heart. SHE was what was missing from our family. I think if I had the chance at this point to have a rational conversation and to give my thoughts, then things may have been different.

As it turned out, my husband was now set and done. I am learning that in MANY disagreements in marriage, the person that is saying NO is usually the winner. I think it is because their lives may ultimately be more affected than the one saying yes or asking for something. But whether it was in jest or more seriously to me, my husband just said no. I remember one time asking him if I REALLY REALLY wanted one, could we have just one more. He said that we would talk about it. So I was satisfied with that.

As the years literally flew by, I couldn’t imagine the thought of late nights and diapers again, but I also couldn’t imagine being done. I needed to think about it, talk about it. But my husband didn’t have a question in his mind. Soon I felt unsettled, unsure, and a bit of a build-up of anger. It wasn’t until recently that I realized that it was because I wasn’t given the chance to have that talk I was promised. Ultimately I am sure that I would have agreed with my husband. In fact I do now. I know that I am happy with the life we have. I am happy with the way the four of us fit with each other, complement each other, and complete each other.

But I never said no. I never got to talk it through. I never got to have my say. I never got to feel like I was understood. I didn’t have faith that my husband knew how big of a deal this truly was for me. I think that it is ultimately what I wanted. To have some closure.

My husband and I have since talked, and I do feel much better about the issue. And I think it raised a great topic for both of us. Communication is more than what you expect it to be. We are allowed to have our opinions, we are allowed to disagree, and we are allowed to compromise. But it is important to let each other be heard. It is important to hear your spouse out, understand what they feel. Saying I am done having children is a much bigger deal to me than it is to my husband. I needed to have a conversation, I needed an outlet, I needed him to understand what I felt. Really, I needed to understand what I was feeling.

“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
― George Bernard Shaw

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