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It is okay for the sizzle to cool

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June 27, 2013 by vlittle528

When my husband and I got married, my friends used to jokingly call me “Danielle Steele”. My husband and I were so cute and cuddly and romantic. We couldn’t stand to be without one another and we got all starry-eyed when we talked about each other. We were pretty cute. We were exactly what you would expect a newlywed couple to be. Hot, romantic, fun and exciting.

Two kids and eight years later, we may not be as cute as we once were. I am not constantly sitting on his lap and sometimes it surprises me when he holds my hand in the car or while we are walking. Sometimes the kiss good-night feels like it is habit more than romantic. More often than not the text during the day is a reminder of some sort rather than a steamy text or declaration of love. Sounds boring, right? Like something that the declared-bachelor would use as a reason to stay single? Well, I disagree.

The spark and sizzle may now be scaled back to exciting date nights or drunken holidays, but that doesn’t mean our relationship is any less than what it was. In many ways it is so much more. Like how I know my husband, when he is hurting or upset. How I know that every once in awhile he gets tired for about a week and is a lazy little booger and then he sleeps for a ridiculous amount of hours in one day and then he is fine again. I know that it takes a lot to get him mad, but when he gets really really mad just leave him be. And when he is ready, even if it is a week later, he will say it is sorry. Or maybe he won’t. Maybe he will just try really hard for a week to keep the house clean to make up for it. I know when he really doesn’t like my dinner and when he does. I even know what he calls me when he feels close to me (though I won’t say it here because I don’t think he realizes he is doing it 😉 ). The love may not be an exciting sizzle but it is a comforting warmth. It isn’t skinny-dipping under the stars but it is cuddling by a campfire. (Although…you can still do some skinny-dipping. May put an extra log on the fire for the night!)

Recently I have been noticing that I have changed. Not just my body that shows the badges of carrying our two children or the wrinkles that line my eyes or the gray in my hair. My thoughts and my heart have changed. My way of reacting, my way of thinking. Being right is no longer important, but understanding is. Talking louder seems silly, saying less and more at the same time is what the goal is. The promise not to go to bed angry seems silly now. Sometimes we need that time to cool down or even just sleep to realize we were fighting over nothing. My friend once told me that she never trusts the advice of people that talk negative of her spouse when they are fighting. She doesn’t want people to “take her side”. She said that true friends will calm you down and help you to see their side. Or just listen. But real friends will know that you are not going to walk away from your marriage without seriously trying to fix it. Made so much sense.

Instead of giving in or giving up…or waiting for your spouse to do something, try to do something for yourself. FIND things that you love about your spouse every day. The way they look when they are concentrating (and really look at them. You may be surprised how little you actually do). How sweet they are to your kids. How they wink at you every so often. How they turn out the lights when you fall asleep reading. The little things. That is all you need. One little thing every day will start to make you feel a bit giddy again. It will warm your heart, put a spark in your life.

So now, my husband and I are closer to our tenth anniversary than our fifth. We have changed from the silk sheets to the more comfortable cotton. We have traded bar nights for game nights. And now our vision isn’t clouded with the steam from the sizzle. We can see the distance. We can feel the support. When we say I love you, we realize that sentence means that no matter what we commit to one another. When we love each other, when we hate each other, we commit to one another. That is the true love our sizzle has cooked up.

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One thought on “It is okay for the sizzle to cool

  1. Love this post Vicki. We just celebrated out 18th year together and you hit the nail on the head. It’s not as hot as it once was, but it is better than ever.

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