April 16, 2015 by vlittle528
Do you ever stop and wonder if you are really happy or if you are just going through the motions of every day without really thinking about it? I spent half of last year going through the motions. The daily grueling sameness of getting the kids up, turning the coffee pot on, getting everyone out the door, doing something for PTCO or school, getting dinner ready, cleaning something etc etc. Lather, rinse, repeat.
It was a bit of an unexamined life. I wasn’t unhappy so why rock the boat? I have two beautiful, healthy and happy kids, so I wasn’t complaining there. My husband and I rarely fight so that was fine. But fine in all areas of my life isn’t really living, either…is it?
Once I started really thinking about it, I wanted more from life. I wanted to enjoy my life and my children. I wanted to be doing something that reminded me I am more than just a mother and a wife. And there was another part of me that was missing, too, and that was my spirituality.
It was almost a year ago that my children asked me if they could go to church with their friends. Even though I was a cradle Catholic and this was a Christian church, I didn’t hesitate to say yes. What did surprise me, however, was that I felt the urge to go as well. So we went.
I honestly didn’t know what to think. I sat in the back and jumped a bit when the music started playing and then felt uncomfortable as I read the words and sang along. I watched the others from the corner of my eye, many of them holding their hands out or up in worship. I felt uncomfortable, and I definitely stood out in my Sunday best while everyone else was more of a business casual or even just casual. It is literally a “come as you are” church…because that is how God wants you. I was waiting for the kneeling, the guilt (that is a whole post in itself), the motions after prayers that I hardly understood. I felt out of place. But at the same time I felt a sense of comfort. Then we stood again to sing the final song, “Never Gonna Let Me Go”. And I couldn’t help it. I started crying. Not sobbing by any means, but I couldn’t hold back the tears either. I couldn’t put my finger on it, I couldn’t tell you why I was crying, but I just felt overwhelmed. In a good way.
Walking over to the children’s ministry, I felt a bit lost again. It was kind of like walking to class the first day of college. I was excited and I enjoyed myself, but I also felt a bit lost and alone. That feeling was quickly forgotten, though, when I saw the beautiful smile on my children’s faces. My sweet children had so much fun, they learned so much, and they couldn’t wait to come back.
It was never really a question of if we would go back. It was more just a given. After that one simple day it became a part of our weekly routine. It wasn’t on our “must do” list, it was something we started looking forward to, and still do. When they announced a simple two weeks after I started going that they were doing a new member class, I signed up without thinking. It just came naturally.
So I guess in a sense I came back around full circle. Because once again I was just “going through the motions”. But this time was a bit different. This time I felt like I was experiencing instead of sleeping. I feel like I am learning instead of regressing. I feel like I am, in a sense, finding myself again. Granted it has been almost a year since we started church again, but there is a new experience each time. I am continuing to learn, and to sometimes fail. I trip, but don’t always fall. It is a wonderful new journey to be on.