November 22, 2015 by vlittle528
In the past year and a half, I have been deepening my faith. My children were invited to a church by their friends and since the first time we visited we have been consistent. We go to services just about every weekend, my children are in Awana’s, I joined a D-group…we are slowly building a church family. Sounds like it should be perfect, right?
So why then, despite the desire I feel in my heart to get closer to God, do I have more questions in my mind than ever? Why then do I feel like I am just going through the motions, almost ‘pretending’ to be a Christian. I couldn’t put my finger on it-I am still trying to if I am completely honest.
The fear I feel in my moments of doubt is even more piercing than the fear I feel in any other bad moment of my life. It is a lonely feeling, a hopeless and helpless one. It is scary because, if everything I always thought to be true isn’t, than what IS there to believe in?
Since that question was too scary for me to even look at during that moment, I instead went to WHY. Why am I feeling this way? Why am I doubting things I DON’T WANT TO doubt? Was it because my husband didn’t get the promotion yet again? Was it because we are struggling badly yet again? I felt mad, but not necessarily mad at God. We have been here before, we will be here again. I felt hopeless and frustrated, but I didn’t blame our situation on God. I deeply want to love and know Him. So why is he making it so difficult?
Luckily I was smart enough to reach out. I begged for prayers from my D-group. Their prayers and encouragement were what kept me going through the hardest and darkest parts. Finally I just looked at the children’s pastor at our church, who has helped me before, and I felt too tired to hold my problems alone. I still don’t even know why I went over to her, it certainly wasn’t the best time to do so. But I did, and as I typically do when I am with her I lost all pretenses and simply let it all out.
She gave me so much good advice, and so many words were spoken that made me think. But the part that got me through that moment was when she told me OF COURSE Satan is fighting hard to keep me from God-for the very reason that was making me question why God was allowing it to happen. Because I want to be close to God. And I am taking more steps to do so than I ever have before. It was fine to leave me alone before. I wasn’t really doing anything. I was a believer, but certainly not an active one. But in less than two years I joined a new church, went through the new member class, became a volunteer in the children’s ministry, joined one bible study and then another, became an Awana’s leader, started praying daily and reading my bible more often, talked about God in our house on a daily basis, started listening to bible verses in the car, and basically was doing a cannonball into my pool of faith rather than taking tiny steps in testing the waters.
Once I got through that realization, I quickly had another. I may not have been MAD at God, but I did set myself up for a letdown. For the first time, I decided to give a problem to God. Totally just let it go. And the result was not what I wanted, not what I believed I needed. So I was thinking “Hey, I did what you said! I gave it up to You! And You let me down!” But I didn’t really give it up. I told myself I did, because I thought I knew what he would do. There was NO WAY what I thought would happen wouldn’t…especially if I gave it to God. So, even if I didn’t realize it, I was testing Him. I was saying “I know what I want to happen, and I know you are going to finally let it happen-especially if I give it to you! So here it is!!”
But we all know that isn’t how God works. And now I realize I know even less than the little I thought I knew. So I am taking my children’s pastor’s advice. I am getting a life application bible, and I am starting my journey again. With a tough lesson under my belt, a confession that I was so very wrong, and a heart that was tested and still loves Him. He was here the whole time.